Comedy Week: Holiday Gift Advice
Picture yourself, standing helplessly in the middle of a crowded mall. To your left, a 3-year-old is wiping something that came out of its nose on the display cookware in front of Williams-Sonoma. A few stores down, an employee is spraying passersby in the face with a new cologne that he guarantees will spice up your sex life this holiday season. The line to sit on Santa’s lap is at least four miles long. This is your nightmare, and you are stuck in it until you find the perfect gift for your mother (or father, sister, brother, girlfriend, grandma, boyfriend, wife, husband, children, etc.).
Holiday shopping can be a horrifying experience. Some people love it, but if you are not one of those people, this guide will show you a few tricks to surviving the yearly gift-finding madness. It’s not that you don’t enjoy giving to others, but we know how scary it can be to find a gift that is “just right” so that your recipient “continues to love you.” Here are some gift ideas that may not have occurred to you, but they are LAMN certified to please whoever you give them to.
1. You can never go wrong with food. Human beings need it to survive, so if you give, say, a cheesesteak and a bag of chips to your grandma for Christmas, she has no choice but to love it because you’re helping her stay alive longer.
2. It doesn’t matter how much thought and love you put into a gift, only how much money you spend. Hand made “gifts from the heart” were all the craze up until a few years ago. These kind of gifts require the giver to spend a painful amount of time doing unnecessary things like thinking and burning themselves on hot glue guns. Go to Best Buy. Ask the first assistant what their most expensive product it. Buy it. Don’t wrap it. Sit back and relax.
And remember, when your significant other walks out on you saying that you are “materialistic” and “shallow,” what he/she really means is, “I love you.”
3. Re-gifting. Remember the excitement you felt when you unwrapped the high tech electric toothbrush that your brother-in-law gave you last Christmas? The one that penetrates deep between your teeth for intense plaque fighting action while also massaging your gums with a delicate vibration effect? Remember how you couldn’t wait to get home to try it? Remember the explosion of emotion inside your mouth during the maiden brush? Don’t you think your brother-in-law might enjoy that same experience? Rinse off your toothbrush and wrap it up to give back to him.
Society has a warped view of re-gifting for some stupid reason. People say it shows no effort and that it’s rude and selfish, but to us there’s nothing more selfless than giving one of your most valued possessions to another person. Who knows, maybe he will enjoy the toothbrush so much that he’ll give it back to you next year. Then, before you know it you’ve got yourself a cute little (highly unsanitary) family tradition.
4. Gift Cards. Your wife is a beautiful free spirit, constantly pushing the boundaries of life, kicking ass, and taking names. She is eccentric and refined and has a variety of passions that she pursues with fiery intensity. Who are you to simplify her innumerable desires down to a diamond studded necklace or a new glassware set or those hiking boots she has been asking for? You don’t define her, and any attempt you make to select a gift that you think embodies her will only result in utter failure. That’s why gift cards were invented. Giving your wife a gift card to her favorite store says, “Baby, you are too amazing to ever be satisfied by a gift that I, your lowly husband, deems good enough for you.” Actually, selecting her favorite store might also create the impression that you are minimizing her to one store’s idealized version of her existence. You will probably be better off just getting her a prepaid Visa card.
Now put a brave face on and get out there. We’ve given you your wings. Now spread them and fly.